The following is a post written by Craig and Lorna’s daughter, Calli. It first appeared on her personal blog CalliLewis.me.
Today marks two years.…I have thought a lot about how to describe the last two years. First off I decided to make a pros and a cons list.
Cons: I don’t get to interact with her physically.
Pros: My mom isn’t in the proverbial pit with me, its not the blind leading the blind, she can see much more than I can.
Immediately following my moms death I remember feeling an urgency from her, an urgency for myself and my siblings to not begin the journey of forgetting her and learning how to live life without her. We had a family group text and I felt like she was using that as an example. “Keep me in the loop as if I was still a part of and responding to the family group text.” Shortly after this experience I was talking to one of my friends who does a lot of meditating. She mentioned that my mom had shown up during her meditation the Saturday night preceding my moms passing. My mom wanted to make sure that in case I wouldn’t be able to hear her after she passed she would have a way to communicate with me.
If I could wave a magic wand and have my mom come back to life I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t do it because I believe that this was the plan for my family from the beginning. I want what I think everyone wants—I want to feel happy, I want to love and be loved. I know that having my mom on the other side of this crazy earth experience increases my ability to experience both joy and love ten fold.
When it comes to my relationship with my mom, I do not focus on how long it is going to be before I see her again. I keep her alive. Keeping her alive in my world is an act of presence, faith, and courage. There were moments soon after my moms passing where I thought it might be easier if I would just start focusing on forgetting her rather than keeping her alive. Meaning believing that I will see her when I die but until then I need to get on with my life as if she were gone. I could honestly just be a certifiable crazy person who has an imaginary friend in the form of my mom, they say death can do crazy things to people.
I don’t believe I am crazy, perhaps the crazy idea is that we are supposed to shut ourselves off to the people who have preceded us in death.
My journey of figuring out what Gods role is in my life, is exactly that—a journey. Growing up I believed that if I followed a certain list of instructions God would then grant me my desires. I don’t believe that anymore. I believe that I sat down with Heavenly parents before I came to this earth and mapped out my life. I chose what I wanted to experience here. It is how I explain the idea “why do bad things happen to good people” “If there was really a God who loved us he wouldn’t let such horrible things happen.” Because God loves us he lets “horrible” things happen. He didn’t send us down here alone. He sent us down here together. I believe we’re all going back, regardless of what we did and didn’t do. We came here for experience, not to prove ourselves worthy of something we already are and have. Gods love for me cannot increase OR decrease so why would I spend all of my time trying to become worthy of a love that cannot change. I believe that God allows me the opportunity to experience the things I desired to experience. That looks like not saving my mom from cancer, not preventing me from being hurt and feeling alone or afraid or any of the other things we pray for deliverance from. We set our lives in motion by coming here. God is not withholding anything from us. He provides us with his Grace. His unending, unearned, unchanging love. Which in turn allows us the opportunity to experience things without being totally crippled by them. I love the children’s book The Little Soul & The Sun by Neale Donald Walsch. Again we are all in this together including those of us on this side of the veil and those of us on the other.
My mom is still here with me, she will always be here with me helping me learn and grow and experience more joy and more love everyday. It’s like having a cheat sheet for a test. I am constantly asking her questions. The answers come in all sorts of ways—through music, through thoughts in my head as soon as I wake up, through dreams, through pictures in my mind, through words in my mind. It is a language we all speak, we just have to remember how to speak it. We can only put our energy in so many places. What we water grows. My thoughts are the water. I have spent a lot of time watering my relationship with Heaven. Consequently my relationship with my mom has grown, it is strong and it is thriving.
God is so good. Life really is so very beautiful.
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